It doesn’t take an exhaustive study to convince people that, in general, there happens to be a disparity between what most say, and what they do. If a scale of integrity were created from sociopath to Gandhi, there would no doubt be quite a range; yet most of those we deal with in our everyday lives (aside from telemarketers and government employees) are somewhere in the middle. The reasons that people do not always live up to what they say are innumerable, and it could quite possibly cause insanity to figure them all out. Thus, it’s quite trivial and a tremendous waste of time to allow the hypocrisy of others to adversely affect us. If someone is constantly falling short, flaking out, disappointing, then the problem is not with them, it is with you. Thankfully there is a clear and reliable way to decipher intent and thus alter expectations so that they dwell in reality.
When we build our bridges on false hopes disappointment is guaranteed.
The other day a large group of friends and I went to see a movie. Afterward we were figuring out our plans for the rest of the night. One of our chums who wasn’t there had sent a text message asking us to please organize something and tell her because she “wanted to hang out with everyone.” To this my good pal Joe rebutted, “if she wanted to hang out she would’ve been here.” Some may jump on this comment, writing it off as nothing more than an oversimplification, but an examination of what Joe said provided a profound epiphany: actions speak louder than words.
People essentially do what they want. Desires are the seeds of action, therefore we make our choices based on incentives that, whether in reality or not, offer what we desire. If our friend, for instance, had really wanted to be with us more than anything else she would have modified her plans.
This idea affects all interpersonal relationships. For a great read on how it intersects in the dating world I suggest The Brad Pitt Rule by Brett and Kate McKay over at The Art of Manliness. In essence, if you ask someone on a date and they make an excuse without offering an alternative then obviously they don’t want to go, or at least not bad enough to work for it. Do you really want to go on a date with someone like that? Move on! The concept fits in with family relationships, work relationships etc.
However useful it is to take people for their actions instead of their words, caution must be used. This principal should not give room for extreme cynicism and finger pointing and accusations of hypocrisy. Don’t invest any emotional stock in a vain hope; however don’t go on expecting disappointment at every turn. The healthy route is to have realistic expectations of others and work from there.
The most practical use of this idea can be found in how we deal with our assumptions. For instance, your roommate always promises to take out the trash, yet seldom does. Do you really have a right to be angry at him for not following through when he doesn’t for the millionth time? Instead just take the trash out yourself, or become comfortable with the fact that it’s not going to be done. Worry less about making others change and focus on what you can do.
