A long-time friend and mentor once told me a piece of advice that greatly altered the way I handle other’s perceptions of me. He said, “If everyone thinks you’re a jerk, then you’re probably a jerk.” What I extracted from that terse bit of advise was that our perceptions of ourselves can be fatally gracious. We are often so easy on ourselves that we ignore the repeated consensus of those who can see us from a less biased third-person view. It may well be argued that in many situations the popular opinion is inaccurate at best. This is certainly true if you’re a politician, CEO, Celebrity, or some other prominently public figure¹. However, it has been my experience that for the average, non-paparazzi-ridden human being, the judgement of our peers can be a tremendously useful behavioral barometer.
First, it bears mentioning that there are some pitfalls to avoid when considering the opinion of your friends. One pitfall to avoid is the peer pressure trap. This is why it is important to surround yourself with good people; friends who won’t ask you to compromise your values. It would certainly be foolish to take advice from somebody who’s incapable of being a decent human being. This is why your close group of friends requires careful consideration. Then, after you know you can trust their voice, you can use their feedback in an empowering manner. Additionally, you should never become prey to decision-based paralysis over fear of what others will think of you. Although concern for the thoughts of others is paramount to being a decent human being, it’s deeply and painfully ineffective to make a decision based off of mysterious unknowns. What I am proposing is to instead make choices based off the information you do have. If you’re unsure of how friends will react to a certain decision then simply ask them. The world needs to revisit the lost art of counseling with trusted peers.
The importance and usefulness of counseling with a group of friends becomes apparent when you examine the social circles of people who’ve made great change. Pick a great poet, politician, master architect, or musician. Now, research their close group of associates. You will find something very interesting and compelling: the best in any field in any time are usually close friends². There are multiple reasons for this, but among them is something pertinent to this topic. The fact is, that through many means, these people of similar interest and drive found each-other and then developed relationships that afforded them the positive power of feedback and criticism within a group of challenging and inspiring peers.
This powerful social propellant is not just reserved for society’s elite, or the famous, or geniuses. Anyone can make use of this, and it doesn’t take club meetings, agendas, exhaustive surveys, or lengthy studies. Start today. Start by asking your friends simple questions that will get you the information you want. Some possible questions you may ask are:
- What is one way you think that I can improve as a person?
- Is there anything I have been neglecting to do that’s important? What?
- Tell me one thing I do that may be harming my relationship with others.
- Have you noticed any bad habits I have? What are they?
It is important that, once you’ve obtained the feedback, do not turn to anger or defensiveness. Odds are, your initial reaction will be to dismiss their opinion as incorrect. Realize that this is because what your friend sees is not apparent to you, not because it isn’t reality. Don’t allow your pride to get in the way. Thankfully take the feedback and determine how to use it. This should be a useful part of your goal-setting and planning. Finally, check in with your friends regularly to discuss your progress. This keeps you accountable³, as well as allows you to gauge your progress and gain insight.
As an example, I’m going to request that readers leave comments answering this question for me: how can I improve my blog?
1) A disturbing facet of our modern society is the inability of our leaders to actually lead. Instead, they seem to test and retest the waters of public opinion as often as the average person blinks, and then cautiously do nothing for fear of stepping on the wrong ant.
2) Some examples:
- MoTown (Smokey Robinson, Diana Ross, and Stevie Wonder were young friends)
- Italian Renaissance (Masaccio, Donatello, and Leonardo da Vinci were contemporaries and associates with Cosimo de’Medicci)
