First, it bears mentioning that there are some pitfalls to avoid when considering the opinion of your friends. One pitfall to avoid is the peer pressure trap. This is why it is important to surround yourself with good people; friends who won’t ask you to compromise your values. It would certainly be foolish to take advice from somebody who’s incapable of being a decent human being. This is why your close group of friends requires careful consideration. Then, after you know you can trust their voice, you can use their feedback in an empowering manner. Additionally, you should never become prey to decision-based paralysis over fear of what others will think of you. Although concern for the thoughts of others is paramount to being a decent human being, it’s deeply and painfully ineffective to make a decision based off of mysterious unknowns. What I am proposing is to instead make choices based off the information you do have. If you’re unsure of how friends will react to a certain decision then simply ask them. The world needs to revisit the lost art of counseling with trusted peers.

The importance and usefulness of counseling with a group of friends becomes apparent when you examine the social circles of people who’ve made great change. Pick a great poet, politician, master architect, or musician. Now, research their close group of associates. You will find something very interesting and compelling: the best in any field in any time are usually close friends². There are multiple reasons for this, but among them is something pertinent to this topic. The fact is, that through many means, these people of similar interest and drive found each-other and then developed relationships that afforded them the positive power of feedback and criticism within a group of challenging and inspiring peers.

This powerful social propellant is not just reserved for society’s elite, or the famous, or geniuses. Anyone can make use of this, and it doesn’t take club meetings, agendas, exhaustive surveys, or lengthy studies. Start today. Start by asking your friends simple questions that will get you the information you want. Some possible questions you may ask are:

• What is one way you think that I can improve as a person?
• Is there anything I have been neglecting to do that’s important? What?
• Tell me one thing I do that may be harming my relationship with others.
• Have you noticed any bad habits I have? What are they?

It is important that, once you’ve obtained the feedback, do not turn to anger or defensiveness. Odds are, your initial reaction will be to dismiss their opinion as incorrect. Realize that this is because what your friend sees is not apparent to you, not because it isn’t reality. Don’t allow your pride to get in the way. Thankfully take the feedback and determine how to use it. This should be a useful part of your goal-setting and planning. Finally, check in with your friends regularly to discuss your progress. This keeps you accountable³, as well as allows you to gauge your progress and gain insight.

As an example, I’m going to request that readers leave comments answering this question for me: how can I improve my blog?

1) A disturbing facet of our modern society is the inability of our leaders to actually lead. Instead, they seem to test and retest the waters of public opinion as often as the average person blinks, and then cautiously do nothing for fear of stepping on the wrong ant.

2) Some examples:

• MoTown (Smokey Robinson, Diana Ross, and Stevie Wonder were young friends)
• Italian Renaissance (Masaccio, Donatello, and Leonardo da Vinci were contemporaries and associates with Cosimo de’Medicci)

3) See this old post under heading “Accountability”

The modern world is all about the bottom line, and it becomes all too easy to lose touch with the value of people.  Whether it’s apathy, or fear of appearances that keeps us from expressing our appreciation, the cure is the same:

The Cure

Saying Something Nice

There’s a common axiom used in regards to interpersonal relationship: “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” The trouble with this course of thought is that saying nothing at all has little positive benefit. Some folks would never utter a syllable. I suggest an improvement to this line of reasoning, which is, “find something nice to say.”

What to do if you can't say something nice.

Old habits die hard. It’s all too enticing to criticize or tear down. In order to redirect our natural inclinations we must find a diversion of that energy. The stream of our desires cannot be dammed for long. It will eventually overflow. However, the course can be redirected to serve a better purpose. With this concept in mind, let’s examine what I have found to be one of the most profound and easily executed means to express our appreciation.

Write A Note

There’s no special method for this, but here is what I do: I always carry a pen and index cards. This helps to remind me that I should be looking for things to thank people for. If a colleague at work gives a presentation, write them a thank-you note telling them what they did well. If a friend gives you a ride, then write a thank-you note.

What I have noticed is that as I write these notes I find myself experiencing appreciation for people without them really having to do some thankworthy feat. Writing notes of appreciation, which express the qualities I admire in others, helps me to refine an ever-growing list of characteristics I want to build. And perhaps selfishly yet most definitely, it builds relationships and makes others far more willing to help when I need it.

Take the challenge and start writing thank you notes.  I’d love to hear about your experiences and insights so leave them in the comments.

When we build our bridges on false hopes disappointment is guaranteed.

The other day a large group of friends and I went to see a movie. Afterward we were figuring out our plans for the rest of the night. One of our chums who wasn’t there had sent a text message asking us to please organize something and tell her because she “wanted to hang out with everyone.” To this my good pal Joe rebutted, “if she wanted to hang out she would’ve been here.” Some may jump on this comment, writing it off as nothing more than an oversimplification, but an examination of what Joe said provided a profound epiphany: actions speak louder than words.

People essentially do what they want. Desires are the seeds of action, therefore we make our choices based on incentives that, whether in reality or not, offer what we desire. If our friend, for instance, had really wanted to be with us more than anything else she would have modified her plans.

This idea affects all interpersonal relationships. For a great read on how it intersects in the dating world I suggest The Brad Pitt Rule by Brett and Kate McKay over at The Art of Manliness. In essence, if you ask someone on a date and they make an excuse without offering an alternative then obviously they don’t want to go, or at least not bad enough to work for it. Do you really want to go on a date with someone like that? Move on! The concept fits in with family relationships, work relationships etc.

However useful it is to take people for their actions instead of their words, caution must be used. This principal should not give room for extreme cynicism and finger pointing and accusations of hypocrisy. Don’t invest any emotional stock in a vain hope; however don’t go on expecting disappointment at every turn. The healthy route is to have realistic expectations of others and work from there.

The most practical use of this idea can be found in how we deal with our assumptions. For instance, your roommate always promises to take out the trash, yet seldom does. Do you really have a right to be angry at him for not following through when he doesn’t for the millionth time? Instead just take the trash out yourself, or become comfortable with the fact that it’s not going to be done. Worry less about making others change and focus on what you can do.